


hate me (do it and do it again)

by electriceell



Series: I'm not the only one [1]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Child Abuse, Everything Hurts, Hurt No Comfort, Sexual Assault, author knows very little about foster care and group homes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-05 00:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14605725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electriceell/pseuds/electriceell
Summary: Matt's strong. He can take this. Better him than someone else. Someone who hasn't been dirtied by this.





	hate me (do it and do it again)

**Author's Note:**

> I want to be really clear that this is about a series of run-ins that Matt has with rape and assault, so if you don't want to read that turn back now!
> 
> Title from Nirvana's "Rape Me" (yes it's very on the nose, I know)

i.

 

It hurts the first time Stick does it. And it’s not that Matt expected his training with Stick not to hurt, but this was a whole new kind of hurt.

 

Matt had known this might be _something_ for a while; had smelled the way Stick smelled when he was beaten or breaking or broken. It was the smell he tried to forget. The smell of his sheets after _one of those dreams_ , sheets that needed to be washed and confession and _forty Hail Mary’s, Matthew_.

 

And it hurts when Stick… does what he does. But not in the way that the rest of training hurt. Yea, sure, there’s the blood and the tears that come with this pain, but there’s something else, something darker. Something that Matt feels stain his soul.

 

ii.

 

Matt has to suppress his smile when Elektra drives her katana into Him. It’s not that he’s happy to hear him die; in reality a part of him he’d thought was long dead, a part of him he though he’d buried when he was 12, screamed and wailed for Stick. But another… another sees beauty in Elektra’s destruction. Wonders if he ever trained Elektra the way he trained Matt.

 

Some part of him wants to ask Stick what it felt like to be torn in half, to be ripped open and bleeding. Wants to call him pussy and spit on him and become the monster he’s always feared he is. The monster he fears Stick made him.

 

He goes to confession, begs forgiveness, and Father Lantom is kind and understanding and says things that make Matt want to throw a punch. Like that Stick was a bad person. That it’s normal, okay, maybe even healthy to be glad he’s gone. That Matt is the better person, the bigger man.

 

iii.

 

It happens at the group home Matt lands in after St. Agnes. When he first gets there he tries to keep his head down. He’s used to being bullied, the shitty jokes made at his expense; he can block it out. He’s at least kept that much from Stick’s training.

 

But there’s this HIV positive kid who gets the brunt of it. They call him names and knock him around and Matt can tell that this kid is used to this kind of bullshit, but there’s one day when Matt’s already having trouble blocking things out and he just snaps, punches the ring leader square in the face and breaks his nose.

 

There’s shocked silence after, and then the group director comes to see what the fuss is about and everyone scatters. Matt waits to get in trouble; the home has a ‘zero tolerance policy’ towards violence, but nothing happens. He figures getting fucked up by a cripple is too embarrassing for the bully kid to admit.

 

Turns out the kid had another plan for getting revenge.

 

It hurts and he wants to die when they corner him in the bathroom and do what they want with him, use his mouth and his ass, tell him he’s their bitch now. Matt briefly considers fighting them, but he doesn’t really want to give himself away, a lucky punch was one thing, but this would be taking on four kids at once. And. And Matt figures it’s better him than someone else, someone who isn’t already dirtied. And he’s trained to handle pain. He can take this. Better him than someone else. Someone who isn’t as strong.

 

iv.

 

He breaks when he has to listen to it happen to that little girl over and over and over again. Hearing her beg her father to stop and cry when he didn’t brought back memories of the pleas he learned to swallow. But this girl isn’t even strong enough to fight, not like Matt was. There’s nothing she can do and there is something Matt can do. So he does it.

 

He almost kills the father. Feels the moment it stops being about keeping the girl safe and when he starts punching his own anger and pain into the man’s already battered face. He’s disgusted with himself, but he sleeps without nightmares of Stick holding him down and the little girls cries.

 

v.

 

Living in a dorm is hell on his senses. He’s practiced from living in group homes and foster homes and just being a New Yorker, but this is different. In part because there’s always someone crying, someone masturbating, and someone fucking. It seems to be a law of the universe. Which is probably why he doesn’t realize what’s happening until it’s too late.

 

Well not too late. But what can he do? Break down the door to the room where some asshole is holding his girlfriend down and doing what he wants with her?

 

People can’t learn about Matt’s senses.

 

So he sits. He hears every second of it.

 

When Foggy gets back he sees Matt cry for the first time.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorting through a lot of my own shit related to a number of things in here, so I apologize for the cathartic dump of my own bullshit onto Matt.
> 
> always on [ tumblr](http://electriceell.tumblr.com/)


End file.
